The Bible up until Moses gets to the Promised Land №1. Adam's and Eve's asses are whooped out of Edem.
In the beginning, God created the world, then all the stuff we all so love, like snails and zaza bushes. God became bored, that no one was to experience all of this, so he decided to create a dude. God decided he did enough and chilled on the seventh day of his grind.
After that, God saw that the dude, Adam, was kinda alone, with no one to fuck with (figuratively and literally), so He created a girl for him. For some reason, God took Adam's rib to create her (which seems counterintuitive, now that he has a chick, he does not need that flexibility to...). He named her Eve, which translates as "the source of life". Now, there are at least two humans on Earth. Oh yeah, and God also told them not to eat from the tree of knowing good and bad stuff. Ok? Why have you placed it there, then? But I digress.
The Snake appears after some time. It can talk and is a bitch. Eve, who was born literally yesterday, met him and it goes like:
Hey, I heard the Big Guy told you not to eat a fruit from the tree of knowing good stuff and bad stuff. I bet it taste good.
But He told us not to eat it.
It's because He doesn't want you to become like Him: cool and flying.
Alright, I'll try it.
And she ate and gave some to her boy, Adam. Like a real one. And after that, they suddenly realized they were shining their asses to the whole world. They found some leaves and made bikinis out of it.
When God came to check on them, they were hiding behind trees. God understood everything. They ate the fucking fruit, goddamit. And He did. He kicked them out of the Paradise and told them they are DOOOMED. He put the bouncer with a fire sword at the gates, which is badass.
Originally, I wanted to write everything at once (my ADHD ass), but now I think it is better to make it like a series of some sort. If you liked it, upvote it and write your comments in the guestbook.